#i dont have many irl ones but the ones i have i do truly appreciate them

[fangomango]

I love speedpaints so much

Or not even just speed paints

I'm so enamored by people doing things they like that I could stare at it like it was oxygen

Like you're just writting

Well I would love to just sit there and watch you do it :3

Oh you're doing art

Well holy shit may I please watch

You never have to even talk to me or acknowledge me

Sitting in silence with someone is sometimes so beautiful and peaceful and doesn't need to filled with words that don't matter

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

wake up and smell the ozone, guys

[ Sebek and internalized racism / Sebek and his place in the Diasomnia found family / Sebek and his capacity to love / Sebek and the love of literature ]

wake up Wake Up WAKE UP

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT'S GOING ON??? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ? ? BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU, I'LL TELL YOIU WHAT 'S GOING O N

Do you remember... Lilia's farewell party????? In 7-34, he takes us aside and says this: "Then if you truly wish to repay me, would you indulge a little request of mine? There's a freshman in our dorm, Sebek Zigvolt... It's been half a year since he started here, but I have yet to see him make any friends in the freshmen class. [...] I wouldn't ask [you to be friends with him]. Just... If you notice he's ever stuck at some point during your time here... I would ask that you card soldiers give him a little nudge."

When Sebek runs over shortly after with berry juice for Lilia, Lilia invites him to toast with his fellow first years (Ortho included): "These people will be your rivals and classmates until you graduate. You should take this chance to bond with some students from other dorms."

Of course, Sebek adamantly refuses to do so at that point in the story. "While I appreciate your consideration, I haven't the slightest intention of being friendly with these shallow people. [...] I already have more than enough training partners between Silver and our fellow Diasomnia students. Feeble humans are naught by deadweight! There's no need to be chummy with them!"

We are now well into book 7's Heartslabyul update and it is only now that I realize WE'RE FULFILLING LILIA'S REQUEST FROM ALL THE WAY BACK THEN IN 7-34.

Firstly, Sebek is already having his entire worldview shaken because he is exposed to the terror hie liege, his idol, Malleus, has brought about. The person he dedicated his life to and worked so hard to better himself for is misusing his powers to force his will upon others, including his own retainers. And then Sebek is given a taste of his own medicine when he meets a younger version of his grandfather in Lilia's dream. Baur calls his own grandson "human" and acts suspiciously towards him because of Sebek's race (refusing to trust him, refusing to eat food he prepared, etc.). Sebek, who is hateful and others non-fae, is now the one receiving hate and being othered by the grandfather that he loves and admires. He is experiencing the discomfort with being the target of the behaviors that he himself engages in irl. These two events are challenging Sebek's beliefs and how he sees the world. He's being forced to recognize that Malleus isn't perfect, and how it feels to be persecuted and rejected on the basis of one's race.

Sebek is taken aback by the attitude of dream!Baur and doesn't exactly know how to react (though he continues to act in ways to try and earn his grandfather's praise). Silver has to intervene and remind Sebek that, in real life, Baur doesn't despise him and to not let this get to him--but it's clear that this experience still bothers Sebek, as he grumpily responds with the usual DONT BELITTLE ME, OF COURSE I KNOW THAT tsundere response. Many of the other events Sebek experiences in Lilia's dream also call into question the nature of racial relationships, and, at times, puts Sebek in the shoes of the one defending the partnership between humans and fae. For example, some Silver Owls demand to know why we're siding with the fae, and Sebek declares back that whether human or fae, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, they fight against those with bad intentions.

When we finally transition into the dream hopping segment of book 7, I noticed that Sebek has very targeted interactions with specifically the first-year characters--the very same group that Lilia asked to help him out if he ever gets stuck. For example:

Sebek spends a prolonged period of time in Lilia's dream with Silver (a human he does like), Yuu, and Grim (two newcomers that he has to get adjusted to). Together with them, he unravels an unspoken about part of his country's history. It's kind of like traumabonding/j

Sebek relies on the technomantic support of Idia and especially Ortho (who helps them navigate to new dreams in combination with Silver's UM). He has to acknowledge that this is a specialty of Ignihyde and not something that he, a student of Diasomnia and a first year, could achieve on his own. It humbles Sebek and forces him to depend on others instead of trying to brute force the task by himself. He's physically INCAPABLE of doing so.

In Epel's dream, he appears very tall and muscular. However, Sebek chides Epel and recalls that, at Lilia's farewell party, Epel was praising Lilia because although Lilia has a similarly small stature, he never once failed to be at Malleus's side. Back then, Lilia had told Epel that physical prowess has nothing to do with a mage's strength. Later on, Sebek even praises Epel's style of fighting despite Epel being a first year. Moreover, Epel has a 70-80% success rate at casting his UM--which shocks Sebek, who has not yet mastered his own. Here, he is learning that humans that present as small and weak can actually be formidable fighters with skill that surpasses his own. This is notable because Sebek often pushes himself to train hard physically and mentally to be the best possible retainer and may have insecurities about being a magical late bloomer.

In Jack's dream, Sebek makes a big fuss about the injustices Diasomnia suffered back in book 2 due to Savanaclaw's nasty plot. He makes it clear that he won't forgive them even now--but then Jack says it's understandable given that his dorm members were playing so dirty. Sebek expresses surprise that "there are people like Jack" in Savanaclaw. He's acknowledging that even in a dormitory that Sebek had previously pegged as all underhanded ruffians, there are people who have a moral compass and go against the grain. After all, Jack was the whistleblower in that incident and still to this day realizes their actions were wrong. This shows Sebek that not all members belonging to a group are the same.

In Deuce's dream, Sebek and Deuce bond over books. Deuce shares happy memories that he has with a popular children's book from the Queendom, and this inspires Sebek to want to read the book irl. He also suggests that Deuce pick out or recommend a book for Yuu and Grim, which is similar to what Sebek does for his own loved ones (like Silver). Here, he is sharing his interests with a non-fae in a sort of cultural exchange.

Update: In Ace's dream, Sebek butts heads with Ace in an attempt to rouse him from his dream. Ace resists and counters by saying he doesn't want to listen to someone who looks down on others. He honestly points out Sebek's character flaws. Ace also mentions that Malleus should accept the consequences of his actions, which could also apply to Sebek, as Sebek's attitude has made a lot of his peers dislike him. After Ace departs, Sebek is faced with this question from Ortho: if it was not Malleus responsible for their circumstances, would he really be trying as hard as he is to stop him? Sebek cannot give a proper response to this. By attacking his flaws and how his overly proud nature makes others dislike him, Sebek is being forced to face and reflect upon his weaknesses in character.

I know I've critiqued the pacing of book 7 a lot (particularly when it comes to the dream segments), but I find it really ironic that, of all characters, Sebek is the one with the most spread-out character arc... Lilia's and Silver's arcs were mainly crammed into Lilia's dream, we haven't seen Malleus for several tends of chapters now (so he only ends up being present in the beginning and end of the book), and then you have Sebek pacing himself in this marathon 🤡 even though Sebek is also the one in Diasomnia that's the most in a rush to "grow up" and "be better" (so much so that even his UM is associated with wanting to quickly rush to someone and/or to be immediately stronger).

[starisonsaturn]

“I am mine own creator.”

Hello! Greetings all, I am Starseed. Also known as Star, or, something like that.

This is my first time using tumblr in my fifteen year and a half of living. I have heard.. many .. interesting things about it. I hope you all will appreciate my posts?

Posts like; ramblings like a lunatic, art dumps and posts, and poetry, might interest you most? I sure do hope so. DONT know what else to GIvE ya all.

Before interacting;;: I am black. Both of my parents are black. I am present with my mom. I am not so with my “dad”

I will probably say slurs (f or n word) that I can reclaim as someone like this. If that makes you uncomfortable for.. whatever reason; look your eyeballs away from the screen

I am possibly neurodivergent, and an minor

I will **probably** not explain again, but I do believe that I lived another life. But THATS not important to you right? You wouldn’t care that much about my beliefs.

Star likes;

Space,

himself and I((aliens)),

Flying,

Going “Wee!” In the sky,

Their friends,

sleeping on a good Saturday cloud,

reading (results may vary),

Shwooshing around the cloud,

..clouds,

You!,

Playing instruments and making music

Talking about OCs (in which has lots)

Star is a Satanist ever since ive been 13 years old. Not that long, still learning a lot! ((Ave Satanas to you too, friends.))

Star loves space! I want to become an astronomer one day, not an astronaut however, i need more better atmosphere!

I have my spaceship, anyway.

Star loves art! Music,drawing,painting,writing, All of forms! Whatever you express shall be your great pleasure of yourself truly! I love that! That shows much more of yourself than words!

Fandoms this dense-being is in;

Tally hall, Will wood, Moomins, Ride the Cyclone, Eddsworld, WOY, Octonauts, Dadandan, other stuff. A lot. So much. I have brain fog.

Im a very whole bunch. I like a lot of stuff. Come to find out more if you like.. Thank you for your time. If you want to ask a question about ME, anything is okay, ASK! I love questions! Okay that’s enough words.

Misc.

Mutuals ~~

<@/Shark_.Liver - IRL Bestfriend> @/ the-witchy-boi - IRL Older friend & Uncle, I think

(More to add on, Fellas!)

IG ~ https://www.instagram.com/the_devil_has_antennas/profilecard/?igsh=N3E0NWNkY3BhcHNz

Pinterest ~~ https://pin.it/40X1AkTEO

In && out. X

[youremyheaven]

Strange experiences I've had since rahu md started, how do you think Rahu mahadasha is linked with experiences with death (in surroundings or just in general, being more aware and sensitive towards it) ?

Rahu in pushya 10th, ketu and mars in 4th shravana and moon in uttarashada 4th. 8th lord venus in swati 1rst house.

I came across more and more suicide incidents since the beginning of this dasha..I never use to watch news before but now murder and death news are always too sticky to me.

What do you think am I being asked to learn or lean on?

i think nodal transits/dashas etc are very transcendental but difficult experiences. you have to be unnaturally grounded to make gains during this period. having a saturnian nak in rahu helps with stability a little bit because its Saturn's nature to restrict and Rahu's nature is expansion, so Saturn will "chain" Rahu's illusive nature but Rahu is still Rahu so there is only so much chaining and restriction that can take place. idk if any of the placements you mentioned can contribute to being more aware of death during this period. i wonder if you have 8h placements?? or 12h ones??? having 8th lord in 1st can point to increased consciousness of 8th house themes including death, occultism and transformation but i feel like its some other placement tbh

which year were you born in? is this perhaps an 8h or 12h profection year for you?

the inner most circle represents the house and the outer circles represent the age.

during my 12h profection year last year, a friend of mine passed away on her birthday under strange circumstances. it was really weird bc in the months leading up to her death i spoke to her a lot even tho i never did before and i had some truly heart touching moments with her. im a psychic medium irl and im often consulted by others, so her bf who is a good friend of mine insisted that i read for her even though i told him i dont think its a good idea for me to read for friends etc and im usually pretty firm but when he kept insisting, i gave in and i read for her. it was single handedly the strangest experience i had because i felt like i couldnt see her future at all, it was a complete blank. i picked up a lot on her personality and her past which both her and her bf confirmed to be true but she kept insisting on knowing about her future and was vv anxious about it and i absolutely couldnt see anything and that has never happened to me before or since. a few months later i had a dream about her and a few days after that, i wake up to text messages saying she has passed away.

i think the lesson with death is that it can come at any time, so one must not take life for granted. we should give it our all when we have time.

this is highly personal but for me with this experience, my biggest lesson was how kindness is never wasted and how even if you think no one is noticing, people are actually paying attention, so having goodness within and being kind to others goes a long way. this girlie's bf told me (a few months before she passed away) that he really appreciated me complimenting her outfit on Valentine's day bc i made her really happy and apparently nobody else had anything nice to say to her that day. it really doesnt hurt to be nice to others and sometimes we dont get very many chances to be kind either, even small interactions with others, if we can respond with love and kindness, it will make a big difference because you never know what the other person is going through or where life is going to take either of you.

what you learn from these experiences is up to you and how it makes you feel. death to me is always a reminder to be more kind and loving. the regrets that sting me the most have been my failures to be kind (i was a kid but still)

[taedeco]

hi deco~

youre probably one of the first, if not the first, supporters of mine and have i ever told you how grateful i am to have you? you found me early on in my the goalie era and now you still go out of your way to support me to the fullest.. im so so appreciative of that. you have no fucking clue how happy you make me. brings me to a smile when i see your name pop up on dash or on notifications. i dont have many supporters irl, and im so thankful to have found one in you. ily

I'm so happy I stayed and kept reading your stories and not just the goalie. I'm also really happy that I can support you so much and I will always continue to do my best ♡ you have no idea how grateful I am of you moon, and it makes me feel so great to know that you acknowledge my support and also feel happy from it and smile because that's truly what I want <3 I'm thankful to be your supporter and also to have you as a supporter ♡ ilyt moonie

[cwarscars]

Beep, beep. I've came with some kind of positivity and hopefully it will help in some way. I know it is hard right now to deal with everything, especially dealing with a death of a family. You already know this by now, but just know you go at your own pace. Don't force yourself to chat if you aren't feeling up to it. Don't force yourself to reply if you can't have the energy or heart to do so. Many of us, including myself, are happy to have you around and is happy to have you exist. At the same time, while I can't talk for everyone (and I am sure they may agree), we also want you to take care of yourself. <3

It's okay to be down in the dumps for a while. Grieving is never easy and doesn't have a linear timeline. Some days you will be okay. Other days you aren't. Don't push yourself to be okay if you aren't. A reminder that I am always here if you need anything. Just a message away. Or if you need any sort of distractions or anything I could do to help, I am happy to help out.

(( thank you for this, beck - i really debated whether to post this or just keep it close but i can save it in my happy tag to come back to.

i can't lie - it's been hard, probably harder than i imagined. at first, i kind of took everything in my stride. like my dumbass muses, i have sort of a 'don't show weakness' thing going irl but it bites me in the ass a lot. when things happened, i was the one who had to inform half of my family, later that day i saw him, gone. at the time, i thought i could handle it but now i keep thinking back and it really sucks.

it's been over two weeks & i truly think i feel worse now than i did then. it's a real mix of emotions that i wont go too much into but tumblr wise - i've felt guilty not being as enthusiastic or active. writing's been harder ( though i did get my drafts done, so that's something at least! ) but yeah, it's been tough in some respects. people i spoke to a lot have kind of dipped from talking to me and i'm taking it personally. others, i dont expect to know what to say but i resent myself for being weird or quiet to them

but / enough of me moaning, i think aside from being frank - what i wanted to say is thank you for this. truly. i know it doesn't mean much simply saying a thank you, but i really mean it from my heart. i read this when you initially sent it and it made me cry. and for once in the last few weeks, not in a bad way. it just eased things for me a little. you're such a kind and positive person to have around & i'm grateful for your attitude and your kindness. even going out of your way to send me this was incredibly sweet - it means more to me than you probably know. i'm incredibly appreciative to you reaching out & even simply seeing vasco and your love for him on my dash has been bringing a little smile to my face while browsing, so don't worry there about providing distraction, heh.

i know i keep saying it but - thank you again. this was really kind of you. you're wonderful. ♥ ))

[vorecommunitywoes]

I lifted my rule of not interacting with people on here just to pop

Yeah i wanna apologise kinda for being immature in how i handled talking to you and how I spoke to you about certain people when really i shouldn't have. No matter how much i dont like you or the stuff you did i should have been more civil and or just not enganged im sorry for that

I saw your recent post on me and eh i cant say much i just dont care

I dont agree with a lot of stuff you say or your views but I do genuinely think this acc isnt and wasnt made for trolling but others can disagree with me i cant gauge someones intent.

I do agree with you that this place is riddled with people who can prey on kids and groom them, filled with immature kids who cant act properly (myself included) and adults who cannot interact normally with people younger than them. And the community would rather ignore everything rather than eknowladge bad stuff and just let it fester.Someone youve previously called out i had an ancident that made me so uncomfortable it was one of the reasons i stopped posting so i can tell you do actually have good points and intent -despite the execution and how you donduct yourself.

Its why i am now only using my blog to archive my vore art and not much else.

I appreciate any concerns youve had for me and if you havent had any and you dont like me thats fine.

Just wanted to give my 2 cents. You dont have to reply to this even just thought id let ya know lol

I hope you have a good time on this pile of rocks we call home

its fine, i think you and others were just working with what they know (and that being that there are ppl who encourage u to do dangerous shit and then scatter when u get hurt because they dont want to take any responsibility)

and i also apologize for some of my own conduct, this all comes from a very deep place in my heart. when i was a very young kid i also engaged in the "sfw" parts of the vore community nd was groomed and sexually taken advantage of by adults who insisted tht it was, actually, a nonsexual thing for them even when they were actively DOING sexual things to me or my friends

so to see tht pattern CONTINUE with ppl who are the age i once was, for nothing to be done and for no one to SAY anything, it was infuriating. that kids were continuing to get groomed and exploited. tht groomers who hurt me and other ppl who were and are children get to wash their hands clean and never face the fucking consequences of their actions... it made me feel like i had to do something. anything. so those ppl dont have the same fucking pit of trauma tht i was given by online strangers who used me bc i was vulnerable, trusting, trying to cope with a horrific reality of an abusive family, n having untreated mental illnesses. it still affects me so many years later and it... ruined me. they got to walk away. i was left with the carnage they made of me.

and of course kids arent going to know better, most of them are only here 2 cope with traumatizing irl things in their lives (or mental illnesses that they might not be able to get resources for so, again, to cope w tht)which leaves them way more fucking vulnerable than the average person. why should an ADULT STRANGER ONLINE be involved in a childs coping mechanisms, yk? and then making a community of vulnerable children they find?

i appreciate the apology n i also apologize, i just genuinely didnt know how else to make an impact this way on other ppl. ppl didnt listen to me when i was nicer ab this and i felt like this would only make its impact when i started more directly calling them n their social circles out

and like to b clear i dont dislike u, the only ppl im truly fucking mad ab are the adults who were involved and actively encouraging kids to be vulnerable to online strangers. it kept me up a lot of nights w anxiety tht i could and SHOULD try to stop wht they were doing but tht i might not be doing ENOUGH to. especially w ppl like suzyandthefox whos a whole other kind of malicious entitled asshole who seek kids out for their fantasies n who mix their sexual tendencies in (but try to hide it)

to wrap things up i was concerned ab you and others, yeah. i dont think u were trying to b outright malicious, u were just trying to do what u thought was right. i appreciate u taking the time to think and self reflect, ive been giving myself space to do the same

u deserve a safer community, and i hope u can find or make it

[dasha-aibo]

if you dont enjoy living and have nothing to look forward to then what are you even doing with your life? you have some plans even if theyre stupid. everyone does. maybe youre worried youre overly ambitious but you cant do anything about that. i get feeling like its pointless to be open to other people when its guaranteed most people would find you being open to them irritating or upsetting. whats the point of being open though? most relationships have nothing to do with openess

even joy can be a false idol; the unhappiest people pursue joy and live the most unsatisfying lives. the happiest people are those who are contented by simple, shallow things such as extreme caffeine abuse, coworkers being willing to spend time around you at work, fantasizing about crushes, feeling proud of more successful family members. enjoying the warmth of the sun on your skin and scenic vistas. these become less satisfying as you age because stagnation is tiring

keep or start taking hrt and you will feel more comfortable as a person at least. know that while some people might not accept you because of your identity other people are rejected because they have sickness in their souls; because they are petty, depraved, hollow, joyless people. people see that their lives are pointless and understand that truth. yet even people who defy purpose can feel satisfied with their lives. you have a cute boyfriend. even if its tough to meet people, enjoy life.

i used to enjoy early morning walks as a child because i was a little hopeful, even though i knew i would probably ruin my life and other peoples lives. after wasting 5 years unemployed i ruined my life and other peoples lives and while i no longer appreciate beauty as deeply as i did when i was young i at least know that if i can provide for myself i wont have to care about my mistakes. but i am lucky to be unempathetic i guess

i feel like i have the potential to enjoy more things more deeply than i did when i was a child i just havent yet because i spend a lot of time being paranoid and dont see the value in most things. life is fairly meaningless and it can be difficult to enjoy meaningless things. drive down a scenic highway and you think how easily you can ruin your life by not sleeping enough and wrapping yourself around a lightpost.

alcohol similarly is enjoyable. gin isnt exactly sweet but it doesnt need to sweetened to be enjoyed. its just vodka distilled with spices but its aromatic or herbal or whatever. you can appreciate beauty in as many subtle or less subtle things that you enjoy and still never feel joy beyond simple contentedness. joy is an emotion that not everyone gets to experience as often as other people, but how important are our emotions truly?

if you were to die today then you would be dead today, what difference does it make compared to dying tomorrow or in 10 or in 50 years, really? so why rush to die? life is full of destinations we cant avoid, so why worry about dying or why worry about not being able to feel joy or why worry about struggling to connect with other people? whats important is whatever you decide is important and what isnt important is whatever you decide isnt.

more personal advice from me to you would be for you to try taking lithium or something. go to a psychiatrist and tell them you have anhedonia and you want to enjoy things slightly more or feel slightly more motivated and the antipsychotics or antidepressents they have might help.

even more personal advice; you are disappointed you cant connect with people as deeply irl as you can online. this is because people make fewer connections irl therefore they seem more valuable to us. so my advice would be to pursue both open online friendships and less open ones in real life unless the other person is being similarly open about themselves with you. real recognises real. or seek out people irl who are real ones.

like think about why people join cults. its because theyre deeply alone and are desperate not only for a sense of community but also for openness and connections with other people. this shit is extremely common and extremely normal. you are extremely normal for feeling the way that you do. very many people feel isolated, valueless and struggle to find beauty or enjoyment or satisfaction in their own lives. its common its like a part of life or societies or whatever its like natual

take a deep look at what you want out of living every day. if you can think of some things, pursue them. if you cant, ask why you keep going every day. even though you dont feel enjoyment and even though you feel deeply alone you still feel somewhat content about where you are or what you are doing with your life. your work isnt too hard on your body or your mind. your mental breaks are minor; a week without cleaning cleaned in an hour. frustration bleeding until only mild numbness remains

joy and love and passion arent necessary to have a bare minimum contentedness with being alive and living even if they can make it easier. they are also meaningless things themselves; their only value is what you ascribe to them. to feel joy you need to enjoy things, to feel love, love to be passionate, have passion. if you currently dont then you currently cant, simple as. it can be difficult to value things without objective value

imo the body or the mind subjectively values things. i valued the cute guy i worked with yet i didnt matter to him. i dont value certain family members who value or have their life revolve around or obsess over me to an extent due to perceived slights against them that may or may not be true. entirely arbitrary but again i cant bring myself to care; the body or mind values what it will.

people often feel guilt or feel disconnected from their community or family because they dont share values or ideals with them but guilt is also only an emotion. guilt is entirely arbitrary and is best ignored which can be easy when you barely feel other emotions as well. you can spend your entire life having the patience of an oak only to have joy sapped from you do to feelings of dissilusionment or whatever

i think the simplest thing is that if you feel disillusioned you dont have to settle for a negative mindset you can settle for the neutral mindset that has trapped you in a routine of wage slavery in exchange for assuanging guilt over owing society and family and whatever a debt of wasted time with hopes of forgetting guilt one day. guilt you remember yet ignore every day.

maybe im talking complete nonsense i dont know

my dad threatened to report me to missing persons for leaving the house (to go for a 10 km walk) as an adult. my sister defended him saying hes allowed to invade my privacy if hes worried. my sisters friend offhandidly said she feels like her family is invading her privacy in the same way without ever hearing what i said. my sister made the same excuse, being a flying monkey for her friends parents nosiness. i could wonder why my sister values being nosy so much but i dont have to

my sister doesnt value privacy because she is kind of dumb. im kind of dumb too. a lot of people are. i also dont hsve to wonder why peoples families are nosy. some people, even if they dont have negative intentions, dont have better things to do than cause problems for people who are currently dependent of them.

people everywhere are in similar situations and face similar issues caused by malevolent actions from people who arent malevolent and so on. theres a lot of pointless rot and you can either care about it or you can accept the way it is and try to either be more independent or condition yourself to feel more comfortable being deceitful. every difficulty has a solution. life has frustrating things.

whats most frustrating is that everything takes time and yet theres so little time and then you feel guilty for wasting time when you had more time available. yet youre thinking its a waste because you didnt do something you currently think will be meaningful yet in the future might feel is meaningless just like everything else in life. and so people who reach catharsis return to the hamster wheel of guilt until they achieve what never satisfies them truly

that is unless there are things which provide lasting satisfaction, in which case they should be sought out. which is why i think you should take hrt and try antipsychotics or antidepressents and see if they help. if they do they do if they dont they dont. also consider what you want to do and do it. and also accept that a lot of people may hate you, obsessing over other peoples opions is a massive time sink. not worth it at all

i dont have any better advice, so best of luck. ive read your blog for years and i respect you deeply

more specific advice is you can still feel content when experiencing things that used to bring you joy yet no longer do, at least

everyone thinks in retrospect they could have done things better and this is even worse when other people think in retrospect you could have and should have too. the past is firmly in the past and the future is loosely in the present. take guidance from the past, but anyone who says you should obsess over feelings of guilt likely has issues.

--

Thanks for all of that. It didn't improve my mood, but it did give me something to ponder on.

And also, no offense, but this is the closest approximation of a deep depressed lightly-inebirated conversation with an old friend you can possibly have through tumblr anon asks.

[koinvyokan]

what technoblade means to me

this still feels so surreal. its so strange to know that one of the most impactful content creators, and people in general to me has passed away.

i only joined the dream smp/mcyt fandom a year a ago. lore was really daunting to get into, and one of the only reasons i kept up watching old lore was definitely technoblade. watching his doomsday streams and daring escapes from the butcher army made me feel like i was truly watching something cinematic and dramatic in a way that no other lore did. he's the reason i stuck around at first. he's the reason i have this blog and have been able to meet so many great people.

he became the most interesting character and cc to me quickly, his sense of humour just perfectly fit with mine. i binged all his skywars, skyblock, and potato war videos. like i got home from school and only watched techno videos till i went to sleep it was actually a problem to my schoolwork at a point. i watched his old smp earth vods and minecraft monday tournaments. i was so consumed that a non mcyt irl knew enough about techno to buy me a pig plushie for christmas (of course named techno). here's some techno plush content to hopefully make you smile

my mental health took a big dive from it's already kinda shit starting point around november 2021 and up until recently. one day, the one year anniversary of my friend's suicide, the only thing that made me smile a little bit and took my mind off of things was rewatching techno's potato war videos. i will always remember that. i suffered from a lot of insomnia in that period, and for a very long time the only way i could reliably go to sleep was putting on a long techno stream and waiting. it always worked. he was my healthy coping mechanism. it sounds like a joke or something, saying 'i watched technoblade just to feel something' but yeah, i did and i still do. i know that his videos or streams will make me laugh, or put me in awe and appreciation of his skill and dedication, or that i will be transported to a story where this decked out giant pig guy singlehandedly takes on the world and always wins. his content has served as such an important escape for me, i would have been so much more miserable without him. im so so thankful. i hope he understood even a fraction of the impact he had. techno accompanied me through my darkest times, he was joy for me.

the passion that this man had for everything he did was immense, his dedication inspires me to this day. his skill was unmatched because of that, and i will always consider him the greatest of all time at the craft. he displayed such kindness towards his friends and fans alike, i try to treat my friends how he treated his. his wit and humour brought life to everything he did. he managed to make hundreds of bedwars and skywars rounds each be interesting and memorable thanks to the strength of his personality. also he murdered orphans. an all around great guy.

god when i saw that notification. i saw 'so long nerds' and immediately my mind was jumping to conclusions. oh, so he was taking a break from youtube. maybe he had to go through with the amputation after all and couldn't continue with minecraft. i didnt even consider the reality as an option. when his dad started to speak my heart dropped to the floor. my love is going out to his family and his friends, what theyre going through is just horrible and it must be exacerbated by having to go through it so publicly. techno deserved a long and happy life, but it gives me comfort and i hope it does for everyone that he said he would choose to be technoblade all over again.

i really dont know if there is anything after this life, but i believe that the people we love stay with us and it is our duty to keep them alive in our memory. i also know that it is necessary for a while, but unhealthy to wallow in the grief. this is sad. this is terrible. but techno brought so much joy, and i just want to remember that. its gonna be a challenge to get to that point, but he deserves to be remembered like that. for you the world, techno.

[mightbewriting]

So I came to W&H and B&E in an odd way. I'm a long time Dramione fic reader who like many of us doubled down on in 2020 to find comfort in a bananas year. I kept seeing W&H on everyone's rec list, but for whatever reason kept putting it off. Then I heard about the prequel and decided to wait for that to be finished, read it, then do W&H. But once it was finished, I saw you recommended W&H first so I was like okay I'll do that. I struggle with impulse control but am trying to do better so when I saw the audiobook for W&H I was like perfect, I'll listen rather than read that way I won't gobble it up in a day. Ha well that did not work, I listened to the first 3 chapters (at that time those were the only chapters they had recorded) then instantly ran not walked to A03, reread said chapters, then continued on. At Chapter 4 of W&H, I thought hmm maybe I'll read them simultaneously. I continued that way maybe through Chapter 13 of B&E and Chapter 7ish then fully committed to W&H first. I cannot imagine reading these fics in real time because reading them in full, back to back was the most intense glutenous binge and it's taken over my life in the best way. I have been living in your fictional universe for the past two weeks. I started a list of all the parallels and callbacks and eventually had to call it because they are innumerable. I'm awed. In literal awe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Your writing - the individual words of your vast vocabulary, the way you string said words together into hilarious, heart breaking, heart stopping, beautiful, and visceral feelings is astounding. It's hard to explain but even good writers (and/or an intriguing plot) sometimes do not create an overall immersive feeling. But the feelings your words evoke are all encompassing and truly universe building. Like it's not just the wording or the plot or the charters but all of it together come to make something even greater than the sum of their parts. Your writing, your universe of W&H, S&S, and B&E live in my mind and heart and in an embarrassing amount of screenshots of passages on my phone and in voice memos to myself as I don't have anyone irl to fan girl with. When I think of your words and the world you built, I'm reminded of a Taylor Swift lyric: "it cut deep to know you, right to the bone". That is how I'd describe your writing's effect on me, but in the best way.

Your brain's capacity to plot, plan, and flawlessly deliver W&H THEN B&E? Idk how you kept all the threads and plot points and moments and timelines in check. My head aches just thinking about how you wrote these stand-alone but also inextricable works of art. Like how does one's brain function in such a level? And it's especially telling in B&E because we knew where we were going but I still gasped, screamed, squealed, giggled, had to put my phone down, clutched it to my heart, fist pumped, stopped half way through just for a minute to breath and take it all in, and overall looked and acted as an utter idiot during each and every chapter because while I knew where we were going I also had no idea! I'm just floored you managed to keep us at the edge of our seats with a prequel? Who does that? You do!

The texts in the final chapter of W&H devastated me, literal chills. I think about that daily. It's exactly what H and we needed. Just like a reminder of what they went through. It reminded me of Chapter 41 of B&E. Like a summary of where they had been and where they are now.

The other thing that rattled in my brain is the motifs of choice and time, life kind of boils down to those two things huh? But choice especially. It's funny because choice is so prominent but at the same time how W&H and B&E give off soulmate vibes even though this is not a soulmate fic (also are the rumors true...?!) because despite time turners, breakups, and lost memories, they always come back together. But more on choice: it's just as Draco says - in a million scenarios he'll always choose her and he feels lucky she chose him just once. But of course with W&H, she does it twice. And she does it in both timelines of B&E, and of course that's the problem when Draco realizes he has not done the same hence heartbreak 1.0. And just god - he wants her to have a choice with the potion, a choice with her memories, and stops the timey wimey madness by realizing he's taking her choice (and in a way H started it by taking away his choice and leaving the first time). And then those parts about how he chose her, she chose him, but they could not chose each other. This motif, these callbacks. I'm flabbergasted. It's just hitting me now that you extend the choice to us as readers - we get to choose whether H get her memories back or not.

Theo in all your Wait and Hope universe, but especially S&S broke me. Blaise asking who is taking care of Theo when he's taking care of everyone else? Theo's literal and figurative demons? Yikes. Those were unpleasant looks in the mirror for me. I'm glad Theo has his Blaise. Where's mine haha? Also just shout to your underrated Blaise. The fact that he might be my favorite of the Slytherians in your stories says a lot since he doesn't say a lot haha. But he packs such a punch in all your works.

Okay, after singing your well deserved praises and fan girling and marveling at your works (god this is so long, I'm so sorry!), at long last my ask. I still cannot get this out of my head: what did Theo mean in Chapter 1 of B&E when he suggests to Draco “I know that. Maybe you could—tell her some of—” some of what? I zeroed in on this as soon as I read it and it's been rattling in my brain ever since.

um. hi? holy shit. i dont know how to process this. i am resisting the impulse to cringe away from the level of praise happening here because i really need to learn how to take a compliment but oh my god? i am not...this is just...wowzers. you are very literally too kind to me. i have melted into a puddle of feelings in my reading chair here. 

so, first things first: thank you. these are some of the nicest things i’ve ever heard about my writing and i can guarantee i will come back to this ask when I'm feeling like i suck and need a motivation boost. i can’t deny...it feels really nice to know that at least one person out there caught and appreciated some of the insane attention to detail i forced upon myself lol. so thank you. truly, thank you so much for saying such amazingly kind things that have short circuited my brain!

and im sure my friends at @etl-echo-audiobooks will be over the moon to know that their recording work was such a hit! your trajectory reading these stories is so fun and hilarious and probably the most unique reading experience i’ve heard so far xD

also, please be advised that your analysis on choice in these stories is probably going to live in my head rent free for the rest of my life. i feel seen, you know? you just...picked up what i was putting down and it feels really nice to know that it worked for you! 

and ok. your question. that little dash of ambiguity i was planning on leaving open ended. but let it be known i can be plied with compliments. i can’t just *not* give you something in return for such a lovely and kind and thoughtful dose of joy you had absolutely no obligation to give me today. 

so, in my mind, after draco’s house arrest ended and before he went abroad for his mastery, he and theo had an extensive (most likely drunken. also blaise was probably there too) night of reflection where they kind of just looked back at their childhoods and the war and the history of blood purity and just sort of went: “what the fuck?” i imagine draco probably confided in theo that when he went abroad, he planned to just try and pretend like none of it mattered, to see if that was really true. and draco probably kept him updated via owl (even though draco did not write enough and theo had feelings about that) so that by the time draco returned and we have theo asking that sort of trailing question, the implication at the end is “what if you told granger some of your realizations about it all?” so...not all that exciting? but there you have it!

in conclusion: thank you! you are too kind! i appreciate your thoughtful commentary SO much! i’m so happy you enjoyed these stories. and i hope the explanation of what theo was going to say wasn’t too underwhelming.

[oloreaa]

2020 WRAP UP!

Okay here we are!! Hopefully I have not missed anyone because I truly dont mean to "snub" anyone, so here is a list of people who I feel very thankful for knowing this year, where I started out on tumblr, you have been truly bright presences and I love you very very much.

First off here are some people I don't know very well (or at all, but I admire their work) but I think have excellent vibes and I would love to get to know better/let them know that I appreciate them very very much:

@maxlordd @ollypopp @opheliaelysia @honeymandos @concussed-to-pieces @pikemoreno @huliabitch @mitchi-c @hansoulo @browneyes-djarin @cinewhore @max--phillips @din-damn-djarin @ezrasarm @dishonouringmycow @keeper0fthestars @dadolorian @dindjarindiaries @cobbvader @leo-moon @justrunamok @frannyzooey @miranhas-art @keethus-arts @hdlynn @zeldasayer @qveenbvtch @softpedropascal @marvel-and-mischief @datmando @stubbychaos @di-kut @themangolorian @vercopaanir @mcfreakin-bxtch

and so, so many more that I cannot think of right now (and tumblr doesnt let me tag more than 50 people)

And for those I know a bit better, under the cut❤:

@binggrae-banana-milk : You're the first person I really talked to on tumblr, and I cherish every single one of our interactions so much. The one time where we had watched Revenge of the Sith together and had a full on BLAST, it was incredibly fun and every time we just kind of scream at each other in dms it's so funny, how we both are freaking out simultaneously!! Also before you I never really keysmashed and now it's a part of my vocabulary lmao, ily!!!

@mndalorians : Cass. Oh, my dear Cass. Listen, you have brightened up my year by SO MUCH. I don't even want to know how many tens of thousands of words our chat consists of dhdhdh, from discovering cultural differences with each other, to yelling about the same stuff, to planning fics and telling each other of our ideas. We share a brain cell and we are literally the embodiment of Zwei Dumme, ein Gedanke. If I'm glad for anything in this year, it's starting to talk to you. You're literally one of my closest friends and I never hesitate in hitting you up, from absolute crack to heartbreak, you have the range, darling. I love you so much, you don't even know❤

@agirllovespancakes : Iris baby, oh my god. I don't even know where to start. The way how we just started talking without even KNOWING how we started talking is the funniest thing, EVER. This friendship came out of fucking NOWHERE and I am so glad for this. I can always count of you to stand by my side in so many things, and you're the other chaotic one in Tender Roasting, I adore you. The way we just go "kskssksks" and "dhddhdhdhd" at each other for literally hours because we are just losing it over each other is amazing. Ich hab dich so lieb!!!

@adikaofmandalore : Holy shit, Adi, the only thing I can think of now is that you literally deserve everything good and sweet in this world. You're one of the kindest souls on here, and I've never met anyone who is as sweet as you. I don't even know how you are real. Everytime we talk I'm literally smiling so bright, your enthusiasm for Ven is unparalleled and the way we just go bonkers at each other with ideas?? You're so supportive?? And your razor sharp wit and sarcasm is AMAZING to witness in action. Your writing is incredible and incredibly underrated and your stubbornness is admirable. You manage to power though Everything and that's so impressive. I love you very much!!!

@teaofpeach : lee babe DAMN I've never met anyone who is as funny as you. Like whenever we are talking it's just, it ends with me cackling and having the biggest smile on my face because you made me laugh so much. Such a bright presence on my dash and your TAGS are always sending me. So witty and smart and your vocabulary is unparalleled. Filthy hoe but I love you for it. You taught me so much tumblr lingo just by texting me and I always feel Educated afterwards dhdhdhd I love you so much and I trust you with every single one of my attempts at Spiciness

@mandolovian : DEV BABY my love from tomorrow🥺🥺 the time difference of HELL had never stopped us from being hoe af in the dms lmao, I vividly remember one of our first convos spiralling into thots SO FUCKING FAST that was the funniest shit ever. It's always fascinating to see what you do on the other side of the planet and I admire you so much. Like, you TRULY have big brain. How do you remember so much??? Like all these conditions and facts and like WOAH I just feel like a plankton next to you💀💀💀💀 ily SO MUCH

@goldafterglow : iris babe omg okay first of all you're the prettiest bitch I've ever seen, such a nice presence overall, you have GALAXY BRAIN, your writing style is so smooth and full of descriptions that are so amazing to read, like its. Amazing. You have unfortunately witnessed several times where I typed faster than my brain would proceed and I ended up saying the DUMBEST shit and you make fun of me because of it. Like bro I dont even mind bc any interaction with you is worth it🥺🥺🥺🥺

@chibi-liz05 : Liz oh my gosh I just love you so much. We don't talk as frequently anymore but you just have a place in my heart, you're incredibly supportive of everything and you're always there for me, no matter for what, offering thoughts and conversation about everything. You're such an absolute sweetheart and a sunshine person and I just adore your positive attitude and the way you talk, you're literally the sweetest. I love you very very much and consider this me giving you the biggest forehead kiss

@pisss-offf-ghostt : you're one of the first ones who read my fics when I first started out, and your continued support for everything I write is absolutely AMAZING. Like I enjoy every single one of our conversations and discussions, and I feel completely safe to hit you up for anything, no matter what. You're an incredibly kind and hardworking person and your heart is just so big, I cannot even comprehend it. It's amazing how much you care, how you interact with people on here, and I care for you SO MUCH. Love you🥺❤❤

@maybege : you're literally the KINDEST PERSON around?? And we are weirdly connected through cosmic forces whenever it has something to do about Lebkuchenherzen lmao, its uncanny. We have started out in fics in such a similar way it still makes me chuckle, like we experienced the same amount of cringe lmaooo, and now you're just here, blessing us every day with your amazing content, being the most organised person I know, and just an absolute SWEETHEART. everytime we write I have such a big smile on my face, and you BET we would have found each other irl if it wasnt for Corona🤡🤡

@kiwi-the-first : oh kiwi you're such a nice and thoughtful person, whenever I feel down youre the first one to send asks and nice messages and cute photos to make me smile and that is absolutely adorable of you🥺🥺 you're such a vocal and passionate character and its absolutely amazing to see you in action, how you go all caps screaming in the dms. You have a special part in my heart and its just so nice to be able to talk to you

@corvueros : MEG we are literally sharing one (1) brain cell and they are oscillating between "horny", "yelling at each other in all caps" and "oh my god that's such a good idea" 💀💀💀 whenever we talk I have the biggest smile on my face and I absolutely ADORE you, you're the absolute best. Such a sweet and thoughtful and excited person who can spew the filthiest thots in a manner of 0.1 seconds. You're such a bright person and I could not imagine not being able to talk to you bc you're so supportive and just the literal BEST, I LOVE YOU BITCH, I AM NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH

@blacksquadron-rougetwo : okay Hailee you have absolutely excellent vibes. Like you're always so bright and sunshiny and just so damn fucking gorgeous I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU. Filthy and tender at the same time, the QUEEN of soft horny fics like woah, and the way you talk is just so wonderful to witness. Your reaction pics are always on point and no matter what the topic is our convos always end up in all caps screaming at each other how unfairly hot the character of the week is lmao. You're such a sweet being and I am grateful for you!!

@over300books : holy shit Estela I have not known you well for a long time but you're such an incredibly supportive person with the funniest of commentary, everything you write makes me smile, ESPECIALLY all those comments in the docs!! I completely trust you with all the writings I manage to finish and everytime you help me with it you make me see my work with new eyes. You're just so damn amazing and sweet and super cheery I just love you so much. I am so grateful that we are friends and I am SO PROUD of you for finishing your degree!! Like girl WHOOOO!!!

@anxiety-riddled-mando : listen not only are you an absolutely fantastic writer, you're such an amazing person and someone who just screams "safe" at me. Like I completely trust you with my thoughts and even if we are not talking directly very often (our communication is more reblogging and telling each other in the tags how much we love them lmao) I just absolutely adore you and I just am so incredibly thankful that we stumbled across each other!!! You're such a bright presence on tumblr and every single one of your works is so incredibly amazing!!

Aaaand that's a wrap!! Thank you so much for making my year brighter, I love every single one of you so so so so so much. Happy new years!!

Love, Rea

[crisps-craft]

Hii! Hope you're having a great day. Just found out about your blog and would greatly appreciate it if you could do a tarot reading for me. I'm ZD (f) and I have a crush on A (m). We met online during the distance education period of the pandemic. My crush kinda died out with our communication some time ago and now that I see him irl regularly, it revived lol. The thing is we had separated quite well online and I thought we both would be very excited to see each other (which actually was something he himself had said before), but things are not how I imagined they would be. Though absolutely nothing negative happened, I find myself doubting if he even truly remembers me from our online classes. So, I was wondering what's going on in his head and heart about seeing me irl and what are his current feelings about me, whether he missed me or not and if he did why isn't he making a move, etc. If these are too many questions, I'm so sorry, just the first one would be more than enough. Thank you!!

hello! here's the messages i got:

8 of cups, fool, 6 of swords, 8 of wands, 4 of wands, 5 of pentacles, knight of wands

i think that during the pandemic, they might have been somewhat emotionally unavailable but also reckless? i dont know if that resonates or makes sense. their energy from this period in time is very messy, tbh - they were probably struggling with mental health issues a lot during that time. i think that, since that point, they are trying to just figure themselves out. they are trying to clean the mess that they became and focus more on themselves? thats the vibe im getting. im getting the message that they might have been really self destructive, reckless, doing things they normally wouldnt (i keep getting this image of them partying or trying to numb themselves through excitement idk if that resonates) during that time period and now they are healing and on the road to grounding themselves again. i think that they are trying to be careful with you- they dont want to drag you through the mud and make you go through their mess, too. i can tell that they care about you, there are no negative feelings. i just think that they fear hurting you and that they are also trying to figure their own stuff out right now. i got the message "picking up pieces of the mess i made". i would recommend being a good friend to them, support their growth, etc. they will really appreciate that because they need stability in their life right now.

i hope that resonated and i wish you the best <3 remember, tarot isnt always 100% accurate but i hope this could help. also, feedback is always appreciated i want to know if this was accurate or not.

[littlx-songbxrd]

Okay, so I REALLY associate you with Leo Valdez. It might just be because of your ace!Leo hcs, but the nd latine energy is also a factor. Ah, I also associate you with Christopher Lightwood, but I'm not sure why?? I haven't read the entirety of Choi tho, so I can be very wrong. You also have big Kit Herondale vibes, and, even tho we don't know a lot about Jaime, I feel like maybe him too?? And a little bit of Emma (or at least the Emma we saw in LM, not the oh-julian-why-julian Emma we saw in the other two books).

Yeah, it's mostly because you seem really chatty and friendly (online at least, I'm not sure how you are irl). You seem full of love to give and experiences to share and SO MUCH ENERGY and creativity. It always dazzles me how you're able to be friends with so many people on tumblr and react to everything with so much care and appreciation. Any character that reflects that will be a character I associate you with❤

Anon, I have actual tears in my eyes after reading that and I wish i was joking. You've made me happy pace with a computer in my arms all through my room and that's no small feet this is a heavy computer and im not very big. I cannot actually express how much i appreciate this so I hope youre getting my overwhelming appreciation because COULD I EVEN ASK FOR A BETTER COMPLEMENT THAN ALL THIS???

JAJA LEO IS ACTUALLY SO ACCURATE. Leo Valdez was the first character I read i could see myself entirely in, which scared the crap out of me. Nd latine energy bckjbfkgfk ACE LEO THEORY STILL STANDS. Dont worry anon one day I'll reread hoo and make an entire ace leo post do not worry

Christopher is actually my favorite tlh besides Alastair SO THATS SUCH A WIN FOR ME AND DONT WORRY

chog christopher is pretty much choi christopher and i love this comparison

yes i do enjoy info dumping and making chaotic choices

KIT HERONDALE

I have a fun story for that my friend was reading tda and when she got to the kit pov about kits list of grivances against shadowhunters she texted me like "omg zia is this you?"

Then did that again with the line where he rebelled against shadowhunters eating a cookie

So both you her and i agree SO THATS ACCURATE

I HAD NEVER HEARD EMMA OR JAIME BUT IM SO FLATTERED

we never saw much of jaime but i loved his energy so I agree to this

LM MIDNIGHT EMMA MY BELOVED

I am extremly chatty in real life, like my nikname irl is parrot becase im said to talk as much as one. EVERYTHING ELSE IS JUST SO NICE HOLD ON I NEED TO CRY AGAIN-

Thank you so much anon, truly ily

Send me characters you associate with me

[emeraldbabygirl]

Because my lil shit punk ass bitch friend is being a meany shit bitch fart goblin bitch ass bitch on a stick and I’ve been a sappy and gross clingy shit ass bitch for the past couple months and it’s the time of day, early in the morning, when I get most lonely and soft and clingy I’m making a tiny very super tiny appreciation post for my mutuals. My love, my friends, the squad, the homies, the mates, my support system. So eat this mf love bitches!

@ithinkilikeit-reactions MY HUBBY whomst tf I love and wish I could meet and talk to about the things we do. You are so sweet to me and I remember all those times you just send me love cause I ask for it cause I’m an attention whore or because you know I’m having a time and I just appreciate you so much

@gods-dont-negotiate hello daDDY lmao um fuck me. I’m kidding but I fucking love and adore your cute ass so fucking much you have such big dick energy and I love when you just randomly message me talking about your day or anything you are interested in or literally anything at all and I always smile whenever I’m having a hard day at work and I see your random message that is just you telling me anything because I love to hear it. You are just a ray of sunshine and we have so many things in common and I love that we understand those things and I’m comfortable telling you things and I just love how cool you are because you are cool and I wish I could hang out with you and just vibe together, maybe do some illegal hand holding 👀

@despair-lightbreaker yoU MOTHERFUCKING SHIT PIECE OF SHIT ASS BITCH ASS SHIT BITCH BITCH. You are a motherfuckin specimen. You never shut the fuck up you’re always so goddamn loud over JR and I fucking love it because bitch that’s you you stupid tall ass bitch ass tall bitch who is in love with JR and Laon and Hojin you sexy slut you, fuck off. I love how you try to dig into my brain sometimes and that one time you scared me by listing off some kinks I had and I almost passed. I love that a lot of our convos are all caps and involve the weirdest shit and calling each over ‘bitch’ and ‘hoe’ I love all the fucking nicknames you randomly come up with for me, I love whenever you review comebacks on your blog, I love how you just go balls to the wall in the tags I love that you are so confused about so many things I do and say like the whole baby bubble and 2Z and just everything, I love that..idk I just love that you’re sometimes more random than me on some things, I love your poetry, I love that you will fall dick over table for JR and it’s the cutest thing ever and it makes me laugh. Sometimes you’re just really cute bro, like fr

@excindrela remember when I used to call you my wife? I know it’s been a long time since we last talked and I’m sorry. I feel like it’s my fault actually and I need to get back with you, we used to talk all the time. I miss you a lot and I just want to hear you talk about anything and everything again. You were one of my first mutuals in here and you’re amazing and whenever I talk to you about any problem I’m having you always make me feel better. You’re like my internet mum and I really love and appreciate all those moments we have together. I miss those fun shenanigans

@thedungeonofsinners you. My god where do I start. When I first saw that what had happened with your account and that you were leaving I did cry. I felt like I lost a best friend, I didn’t know where I would find you, if I’d ever get to talk to you again and I was already in a sad mood and I just could help myself. Then when you told me you were coming back I cried again. I haven’t messaged you yet through your new account but I’m excited and happy to share all kinds of things with you. I love you so much, you go through so much and I wish I could be there with you to comfort you and just hold your hand and hold your tall ass in my arms. You are a beautiful person inside and out, truly, you are so kind but so hard on yourself and it hurts my heart. You deserve so much love and I wish for you to be happy. I love all our conversations and things we’ve talked about, I love that we have so many things in common and that we can just whore out together and it’s a good connection. It feels great to have someone that you can just release your most sinful thoughts with and just laugh and have a good time. I hope to have more of those times with you. I miss you so fucking much and wish you weren’t so far away. I wish we could hang out. The internet is so hard when you are lonely and need human contact and you just want to see your friends and things. God I hope you are taking care of yourself and doing alright. Take it easy out there and if you ever want to message me please do. I might not see it right away and I apologize if I’m not there when you really need someone to talk to. It sucks when you on the other side of the fucking rock and your sleeping schedule is already batshit crazy. I just want to be able to message you whenever you need me. I’m sorry I’m never up to see your messages but I love you and I always see them later.

I didn’t put all my mutuals cause there’s a lot of mutuals that I’m still getting to know and I don’t have a special connection with yet and that makes me sad because they are still my friends, they still matter to me, I still love them but I can’t make a post for them just yet because I don’t have anything really to say yet :( I’m sorry. I just need to talk with some of my friends more often, find out more about them, share more stories with them. I love all my friends and I want to have bonds tighter than my asshole with them. I wish you all well and I hope you are all staying safe and taking care of yourselves and your families during these times. I know it’s really hard. Makes me wanna cry honestly and I have. I just wish I could be there for all of you irl to hug and hang out with and laugh with. Hang in there my loves, we’ll all get through this.

God and I know I’m literally the worst person when it comes to time zones and I know when you really need to talk to someone you need them right then and I do always say please feel free to message me whenever. Sometimes I do procrastinate and not go to bed right away or sometimes I just get on my lunch break but I always try to check my messages and get back to you as soon as I see the message. If you want you can also send me asks or submit me something so I see it in my inbox. And if you are interested I always have twitter, snap and insta that you can message me on if you would like just let me know. Although I’m on tumblr all the time an I still haven’t added some of you on other socials yet. I’m sorry I am so bad and lazy and procrastinating is like the thing I’m so good at. I just don’t like going on Twitter or insta.

Anyway that was longer than expected but thank you all for being my friends. I love and appreciate every one of you and I always wish the best for you cause y’all deserve it! 💕💕💕💕

[azenta]

I think that anon was retarded because your emotionality doesn't come from a 4 wing, have you perhaps considered you are a 2 fix? i really don't believe you're triple competency since you're too patient with people's shit, always willing to help others clear misunderstandings, sacrifice yourself but also overshare, open about your meltdowns, nor does it seem you are much in touch with your needs. Also, Isn't triple competency more on the stoic side? You are really lacking there, no offense.

I appreciate your insight, and to be clear it doesn't make me mad or annoyed lmao.

I see why you think that. I've considered it in the past, but my way of caring is far from 2's ways.

You're right that:

I have a hard time with my needs, specifically asserting them;

I overshare here and irl without a second thought;

I am open with my meltdowns, I cant keep for very long intense emotions without sharing them to at least someone I know and trust;

I am patient with people's shit;

Now let me tell you why I am like this.

Asserting needs: I have a hard time doing so because I am afraid to bother and taking up space. I have internalized that my needs are wrong and can hurt others, so their needs comes first then I adapt around. But, I can be pretty rigid about this thought and I tend to fight against it. When I believe I am right, I won't budge (and I believe myself right way more often than I think others right... oops). I've been called stubborn more than once by my ex because I refused to their demands, even reasonable ones, because I was scared to get "abused" (/used).

Oversharing: I overshare, but about stuff I already "control", or that I feel are under control. So, not when I am truly vulnerable. I also do so when I feel like the other person is opened to it (irl), and because I know it helps deepen the connection (and I want to deepen it). On tumblr I do so because it will attract people that will relate and repulse people that are just, well, repulsed about what I share. So I eliminate undesirable encounters.

Meltdowns: I dont handle well when I have intense feelings and my reflexe is to either share it to someone or somewhere asap, because it helps me evacuate to then come back to Analyse Mode. The negative of this is that I dont tolerate my uneasiness when I should to just live the feelings and truly get to the core need of it... I blame it to w6, but i know it is a Reactive type mechanism.

Patient with people's shit: I love people's shit for many reasons, the main reason being because i am passionate about psychology and those shit moments are ideal to be analyzed to get a grasp on the reasons behind. I am obsessed with knowing the reasons behind because it helps me reassure myself and feel prepared against any adversity. It is a weapon for me most of the time. When it comes to need for advice or help, it is simply because psychology is my field of expertise and so i know i am competent in helping people that way.

As you can see, not much of the reasons why I behave the way I do implicate an image focus about being lovable or pleasurable. I'd also say that I am not the kind to really cater to people's needs, i rather despise people expecting me to care for them. I have no problem listening and analyzing, since it is in my comfort zone (my head), but do not demand me to fucking do any other shit for you that demands being out of my head. I'll interpret it as an attempt to control me and "use" me, which enrages me and makes me distrustful and avoidant af. I tend to distort any demand as an attempt to control me, which is really dumb, but I am stupidly scared of people trying to use me as some safety blanket.

You're right tho that triple comp can be pretty stoic, but I have some argument why I am not as stoic as expected of that tri:

Im not an Sp/so, which is very common for that tri and definitely tone down any affect due to Sp dom nature specifically.

My 1w9 fix is last and the biggest culprit to make people stoic, followed by 5 component, especially if Sp dom.

Im also a Feeler. Yes, this have an impact. A lot of triple comp are high Te, and this function becomes arguably the most stoic paired with 1, 3 and 5. Therefore, ill be more demonstrative of *affects*, as an Fe aux, but I emote and express way more than I truly feel. This is performative Fe, which can be explained by a 3 fix. (But I am open to another reasoning).

However, if you want fuel for a counter-argument, a lot of clients at my job recently have described me as extroverted and very dynamic, and this makes me very puzzled. Im also told i am very expressive. It also reinforces I am not a stoic person overall.

If you have any other argument or counter-argument, I will welcome it gladly~

[vanityloves]

It won’t let me reply to the post so I’m sending it as an ask (you don’t have to respond if you’re uncomfortable, don’t worry!) but you’re not ugly or annoying at all. You’re an absolute joy to be around and I’m so grateful to have met you; meeting you and Dorian was without a doubt one of the highlights of my 2020. You’re literally one of the most interesting and smartest people I know? And you’re so stunning as well — I love your hair! All in all, you’re amazing, and I know it’s easy to forget that, and to fall into that ever growing pit of self-hate, but know that you’re appreciated and loved. And you deserve so much appreciation and adoration, especially from your own self.

thank you sm omg ;; sorry if that stuff came off extremely needy i try to avoid it bc i know it can be kind of a downer or distasteful to run across in the middle /gen plus i know i talk a lot n it rarely makes sense or sounds dumb so im legitimately worried ppl think im irritating bc of it ^^;

but anyways! the same goes for you? i feel extremly fortune to have met you (and so many others) in the shitstorm that 2020 was! despite how terrible the outside world was i loved interacting w/ you and im extremely grateful for the server! hopefully it doesnt sound odd or like...rude? but im extremely proud of you bc youve been through so much crap and you somehow conquered all of it? like fuck yeah #GIRLBOSS #BOSSBABE /s

AHJSU SMART IS A FIRST BUT THANK YOU! and agshdh thank you i grew it myself 🤭🥴/sss

but thank you sm this is really sweet n you didnt have to ;; i rly appreciate it though 😭💖

dream talk so know

or some reason the dream felt extremely real bc i was harsh and abrasive which is how i feel i come across irl - like i said things i wouldve said if i didnt hold myself back. i started a fight w/ someone bc i was defending a family member, and it was one of those "come and hit me first" things but funny enough, i was going someplace and got into an elevator w/ 2 girls that i feel like i vaguely know/recognized but uh, idk they pointed out some features that not even conscious me was worried ab and they were p nasty w/ it and i already adrenaline in my veins so i snapped back just as harshly. i got up on someone's face and it was a true girl fight which is funny in hindsight. i think someone pulled me by my hair out of the elevator and i just let them but i didnt talk/yell after the initial comment bc irl, i rarely add fuel ti the fire i jist get straight too it so i straight up started stomping on them after i grabbed them jsjdj a decent time to remind myself that i truly do need to maintain my anger bc i dont know my actual strength and i can potentially hurt someone.

it was odd since i felt like i was put on trial after but i dont remember what was actually said, despite knowing the feeling i was being accused and fuckin flamed like lmao get his ass.

lol no more milkshakes b4 bed /s plus i fell asleep at like. 4pm so im not sleeping anymore tonight which is fine by me ♡ /srs